We hear it all the time. Nice guys finish last. He’s pussy-whipped. He’s soft. He’s a lady-man if he is kind to his woman. He’s not a man if he is anything but the strong, silent, macho, unavailable lone wolf. Yikes! This thinking has gotten both genders into a lot trouble, loneliness and negativity.
Unfortunately for a lot of women, there is no challenge in the Nice Guy. To many, nice guys are boring and normal. They don’t rock the boat. They say please and thank you, consistently say yes, and do what they are told. In the process, they castrate themselves because they don’t stand up for their beliefs or themselves. They seem weak. Many women want a knight in shining armor; someone who is strong and decisive. We were brought up with Prince Charming and Superman. These heroes defy the odds, take charge, save the day and even get the girl. If a man doesn’t have some degree of superhero savvy, he is the Nice guy; infinitely boring and bland.
How do you maintain your nice guy persona while honoring your inner bad boy? What can guys can do to buck the “Nice Guy” curse and thus get relegated to the friend zone?
CONFIDENCE. What the bad boys have and the nice guys don’t is confidence. Confidence means being firm in your beliefs, even if it makes you unpopular. It means taking the lead even if it is dangerous. Bad boys take and do what they want. They take decisive action to do what needs to be done. Nice guys don’t. They are afraid of upsetting people so they put their needs below others. That makes them reliable but pitied. We respect a man who sticks to his guns rather than buckles at the first sign of adversity. Sometimes you have to fake it to make it. If you are not confident by nature, pull up your socks, take a deep breath and charge forward. You will be surprised at what you can accomplish.
RESPECT. Always respect a woman and be kind to her heart, but also be steady in your resolve. Be firm in your words and action. If you are going to do something, do it. Don’t make excuses; it only makes you look weak. Most women are constantly testing men to see if he is viable and reliable. If you promised to fix the faucet, do it. She doesn’t want to emasculate you by asking you to do it again and again. A man is only as good as his word. She is looking for you to respect yourself enough to stand by it. A thriving Nice Guy (a Mensch) values himself and those around him and follows through on his promises.
LIVE YOUR PURPOSE. There is nothing more attractive than a man who knows what he wants and is charging forward in that direction with passion and purpose. Bad boys live by their own rules and that makes them oh-so appealing. A man on purpose is kryptonite for the ladies. Find what makes you charged up and excited and do more of it. Do it until it proves successful. We all have hidden abilities. The world needs yours, and it will be a magnet for all that you want; ladies included.
BE VULNERABLE. It takes great courage to reveal our vulnerabilities. Men are encouraged to have a stiff upper lip regardless of the tragedies of life. One of the reasons why we love superheroes is that they are tender at all the right moments. Their courage comes from knowing when to put down their armor and reveal their hearts. It is warming and reveals your authentic self. That is what we want to see.
There is a delicate dance between the Bad boy and Nice Guy. Coming into wholeness means standing up for what you believe in and being kind and considerate of those around you. It is a practice of self-love and self-respect to dance joyfully on the middle line.
How do you balance your inner Bad Boy and Nice Guy? I would love to hear your thoughts.