With access to the Internet, boys are exposed to more sex, porn and sexual deviancy than ever before. I suspect that this has a profound effect on how they view the opposite sex, themselves, and their performance in the bedroom.
Given what I have seen in porn, that is not necessarily a great prescription. Women (or barely legal girls) are hyper-sexualized with outrageous curves, pouty lips and are all too eager to please and perform for the man (or men) they are with. They are used as little more than subservient masturbation tools with no intimacy or romance. Porn is not sex. It is a make-believe characterization of the act for male pleasure. If porn is where boys and men learn how to love a woman, we have a lot of work to undo that education.
So what is to be done? Well, I think that we need an entirely different dialogue with boys if we are looking to have better communication, love and respect in and out of the bedroom. Firstly, if I were to teach a sex education class for boys and budding men, I would acknowledge that they are sexually curious creatures and promoting abstinence is probably just as worthwhile as convincing them of Santa Claus. Teens (like most of us) are guided by their hormones. To think anything else is ludicrous.
Sex education is so much more than the anatomy and physiology and the dreaded fear of sexual transmitted diseases and unwanted pregnancy. Of course it is important to practice safe sex, but what about teaching them how to have sex in the first place? It is essential for boys to learn how to honor a woman’s (or man’s) body and individual needs during sex for a deeper interpersonal, honoring, nurturing experience rather than a quick and dirty exchange that leaves everyone feeling cheap.
I would like to sit down with boys and talk frankly about how real women act, sound and look during sex. Most women are not built like Barbies unless they are surgically augmented. Most women do not scream, moan and writhe like the playful players of porn. Most women would prefer a gentle touch rather than a bang, as it hurts our lady parts and does nothing to create intimacy. Friction in fact, causes us pain and reduces the enjoyment of sex for everyone.
I would also encourage them to think about their personal sexual morals and values. I would suggest that just because a woman is drunk and throws herself at them, does not automatically mean that they have to or should want to go home with her. They have the option to say no and honor their body and sexual integrity. They do not need to compete with other men for notches on a belt, in fact they have the right and responsibility to choose what is right for them. Man-whoring (much like girl “sluts”) is shallow and usually comes from a deep insecurity and desire to feel validated.
I would talk to them about listening to a woman’s needs and desires and trying to put aside their immediate carnal lust in order to respect her boundaries. I would talk about slowing down, breathing, looking into the eyes of the woman they are with, and that delving into her divine feminine energy would do more for their own masculinity that any porn video could ever do.
I would talk to them about seduction and flirtation and how these are powerful tools to increase bravado and mojo. I would discuss how the act of sex is a very loaded and complicated emotional exchange, and while the media and some of their peers see it as something that is disposable and endlessly available, perhaps they might want more depth to their interactions. I would suggest that their seed is sacred and should be used wisely rather than planting it in every garden they can find.
I would encourage them to think about cleanliness, both moral and literal. Being clean with a woman will prevent her from getting an unnecessary yeast/bladder infection or a broken heart. Cleanliness is next to godliness, so they say.
I would talk about the importance of being a stand-up man when they become fathers. I would impress upon them their importance in the family. Fathers have a unique and powerful job that they alone can do. Mothers are lifeguards, fathers are cheerleaders and children need both parents (if at all possible) to have a vibrant childhood.
We need a better language to talk to boys about sex. Porn is probably the worst teacher we can find as it is imbued with unrealistic expectation for women. Perhaps if we were more comfortable with our needs, wants and desires, we could more honestly talk to children about sex. Exploration is part of human nature. My feeling is if we take out the stigma of sex, it becomes a much richer, more meaningful conversation. One that could help our children go into their futures with tools to navigate a very powerful and beautiful aspect of life.